Z
After staring at the webpage, unblinking, for the past few minutes, it’s now entirely a blur. I blink, and the small box in the corner seemed to dance in front of my eyes, inviting.
I take a deep breath, and release it with a hiss between my teeth. I swallow. What do I have to lose?
Finally, I click on the box, and it pops up.
Hi, there. I’m Z. What should I call you?
Hi, Z. I’m Celine.
Hi, Celine. How can I help you today?
I pause for a moment, wondering if I should tell this stranger the truth. Something feels like it’s stuck in my throat, and I try desperately to clear it, unsuccessfully.
I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Can we just chat?
Sure, Celine. I understand. We can chat about anything you’d like. Well, how was your day?
My day? It’s been a tough one, that’s for sure. In fact, it’s been a tough week. I scratch the top of my head, try to untie a knot I discovered in my hair, and give up.
It was okay, I guess. Not so good.
Why’s that?
I have a difficult boss.
I see. I'm sorry to hear that. Dealing with a difficult boss can be challenging and stressful. Why do you find your boss difficult to work with?
Both my hands reach for my temples, and rub them. How do I say this?
She doesn't like me. So, everything I do is wrong.
I can see that Z is formulating a response, and is taking some time.
I'm sorry to hear that your boss doesn't seem to have a positive opinion of you. It can be tough to work in a situation where you feel like your efforts are not appreciated or recognized. But, remember: You deserve to work in an environment where you feel valued and respected. If you've tried everything and still find that you're not able to work well with your boss, you may want to consider speaking to HR or looking for a new job opportunity that would be a better fit for you.
Of course, Z makes sense. I’ve been saying I wanted to quit for years. But quitting means I’ll be starting over, which seems scarier than dealing with a familiar enemy.
This hits me. Hard. I gulp.
Okay, Z. I’m ready to talk about it now.
Of course, I’m here to listen. Tell me about it.
I minimize the chat box, and stare at the previous page I’d been on. A huge wave of guilt washes over me, and I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t quite breathe.
What have I done?
It never used to be like this. This bad, I mean. Or maybe it has always been? I don’t really know for sure. I wasn’t hurting anyone, and I did it to make myself feel better, like this…this rush of euphoria, like everything will be okay. Doesn’t everyone do that? Don’t we deserve to cheer ourselves up? Treat ourselves to something nice?
And there were plenty of things in my life that made me turn to this. My boss, for one. Ugh, and then my sister started asking a whole lot of questions, acting all concerned, prying into my business, which she had no right to. I didn’t need another reminder of why she was the golden child, and I was the family screw-up.
I didn’t need anyone to know about this because…it wasn’t a problem. I had it under control. I was sure I could stop any time I wanted to. After a while, I was a magician at hiding it from everyone I knew.
But all the secrecy is exhausting. And…I can’t explain why the rush dissipates so very quickly, and I’m left with nothing but a sense of guilt and disappointment in myself, a boulder that sits squarely on my shoulders, heavy and agonizing.
My hand shakes a little, and I accidentally click on the previous page again. And this time, the bold red letters scream at me, piercing and decisive.
I hang my head, and a sob escapes from me. I’m absolutely terrified. I can’t do this. I just can’t.
I tilt my head backwards, allow the tears to slide down my cheeks, and breathe in, deep. I’m posed to type something in the chat box again, prepared to rip the band aid off.
Z, I’m a shopaholic, and I need help.
A short pause that felt like eternity.
I’m here to help, Celine. I know it must have taken a lot of courage for you to admit that to me, and to yourself. But the first step is always the hardest. And the fact that you’ve reached out to me here in this online group means you want to get better. Let’s get you the support you need to get yourself back on track. You are not alone. You can do it, and we’ll do it together.
I fall back in my chair, the boulder on my shoulders slowly lifting.
I can do it. And I’m not alone.
-THE END-
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Date: 20th Mar, 2023, Mon
Writing Prompt: Shopping Addict
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