Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Immature Childish *toot* Part 2

Before moving on, you have to read this first. This post would be a continuation of that story.

It might take a while to read that post, but you have to, for this to make sense. I'm not gonna repeat what I'd already told >.<


Okay, let's move on.

After publishing the previous post about the Immature Childish *toot*, I was tired out. Mentally exhausted really, from going through all the emotions of anger, frustration, rage, disbelief, utter shock, annoyance and even feelings of revenge as I typed all of it out.

I decided to take a nap. And instead of a one-hour nap, it became a two-hour one. Which is just typical. Snoozing the alarm button is too easy >.<

Anyway, I collected my bathing stuff--my soap, towel, facial cleanser, shampoo and conditioner, and my detergent and brush to wash my clothes after.

I hate the fact that since her room is 404, I have to walk past her room every time I want to go to the bathrooms, or to the toilet, or even just to wash my hands. And when I walk past her room, I have to resist the urge to throw those damn slippers of hers out the balcony and even the score. (I know, I'm a horrible person. But I'm just being honest here. The feelings are still very raw.)

I took my shower, my mind still whirling around the events of this afternoon, and replaying the exact moment when she slammed the door shut in my face.

I got out of the bathroom stall with this fear, this real fear, that I would accidentally bump into her. I couldn't look at her face. If I did, I don't know what I would do. Would I throw her a dirty look? Would I completely ignore her? Would I make snide comments? Would I slap her? (I've pictured all of that in my mind before.)

I really don't know what I might do. And I don't want to do something really stupid that I would regret later.

So I hurriedly scrubbed my clothes for the day, hoping and hoping she wouldn't walk through the entrance door.

Then I got all pissed at her for making me even afraid to wash my own clothes in my own hostel. Like, why should I be afraid of her? Why did she make me feel this way?

As I passed by her room again to get back to my room, again, I resisted that same urge. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it?

When I opened the door to my room, it was with relief. I shut it, and started to hang my clothes up.

Then I noticed something on the floor.

A letter.

Written on a piece of graph paper. Addressed to K3G 403 (that's me).

I thought I'd share with you the letter she wrote me. Bear in mind, I am copying this directly from the letter, with her spelling and choice of words. However, the bold emphasis is mine. See what you make of it:

To whom it may concern,

Act childishly is a better way of communication, than be angry all the time and shouting at each other. And I prefer writing this notes to you than u see me shouting again. Actually, mambling, talk too much & too loud in front of my door result in door-slammed-on-face.

A-base-voice is a gift of god. Yet, u need consider me in this case. Usually i'm a tolarable person in normal condition. I tried talk to you before but massage not delivered since I'm really sick in this 1 month duration.

I think, you don't really care who your neighbour is, and its difficult to have a calm deliberate talk to you, besides hard to face each other even you are washing in TOILET. You kinda not care of your surrounding, yet I have somthing to let you know.

I had a series of melena of 14 straight days, meaning, bloody stool. It only stops on medication. While on stomach bleeding treatment, I had another 3 days of bloody diarhoea. I think you don't care too. I'm not warded on request

I am not warded on request. Im restless, eat on only fluid for 2 weeks, hungry, cannot eat, weak, only lying on bed. It took my whole effort to stand up, knocked on your door and talked. I wanted u really consider my condition, yet I can't talk much. I tried my best, drag the shoes just to alarmed u something. Some people somewhat never care, never want to know.

Else, your friend can bring me to the hospital when i'm in RED states, it will be much tolerable. My states change rapidly yellow to green to yellow to read red without reasons.

I'm finishing my MSc this semester, so hold it till end of April.

Did any of you respond with a Haaaaaaa???!! like I did? =.=

Some parts of it, I just don't understand.

The parts that I do, just made me upset all over again.

1. "Act childishly is a better way of communication" -- Wow. Like SERIOUSLY? That's your response to being called childish? That it's the better way of communication??? WTH are you talking about?

2. "result in door-slammed-on-face" -- Notice the matter-of-fact tone in which she mentioned the most recent childish thing she'd done? And notice how she said "result in", as in, she's implying that I totally deserved it. That I had it coming. Cos I talk "too much & too loud"??!!! We were having a discussion for goodness' sake !

3. "drag the shoes just to alarmed u something" -- This is the only time she mentioned about the despicable immature act she'd done of stealing Chrissy's slippers to get back at us. No apology. Not at all. In fact, not anywhere in the content of the letter. Her explanation? "to alarmed u something"? What on earth does that mean???!!

4. She mentioned several times about me not caring. Of me not caring to know. "Some people somewhat never care, never want to know." Em, am I your best friend? We're not even exactly friends (and after this, no way in h*** do I wanna be friends with you). Why would I suddenly ask you out of the blue if you had bloody stools? Or if you were suffering from diarrhea? Random crazy, much?

5. As you can see, she described in quite excruciating detail about her ailments and her problems. Sure, I feel sorry for you. I am. It sounds horrible. But I don't get the point of you telling me all this. Am I supposed to say, "Oh, you poor thing. Having bloody stools and diarrhea? Then it's okay. It's okay to yell at me and my friend. It's okay to steal my friend's slippers and hide them somewhere. It's perfectly understandable."


Everything you have just written to me in your letter in no freaking way excuses what you have done. 

It does not excuse the fact that you were rude to me and my friend. 

It does not excuse the fact that you stole my friend's slippers and hid them somewhere out of spite. 

It does not excuse you from slamming the door shut in my face.

And you know what is most appalling?

"I'm finishing my MSc this semester" -- She's a Masters of Science student? OMG. Is this the way a Masters student is supposed to act? "Act childishly is the better way of communication"??????

Un. Be. Lievable.

I spent a good half hour writing my response letter to her:

Dear K3G 404,

Since you prefer writing instead of talking, I shall write this reply to you.

I am sincerely sorry to hear of what you're going through. It sounds awful and I pray that you  will get better. I really mean that. However, the way you are telling me is as if I am supposed to know. Maybe you don't notice but most of the time I'm not even in my room. I am out either for classes or group discussions. I only ever see you at night, when I go to take a shower, and even then, very rarely. Am I supposed to know your stool is bloody? How am I supposed to know that? @.@

I am sorry if I come off as a very cold person, but I am usually like that with people I don't really know. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you I'm not like that. If you had told me about your condition, I would have sympathized with you.

If you want to talk about caring, then let me tell you that I spent the whole day today thinking about how to talk to you. You're my neighbour and I felt really bad about talking too loudly last night. I understand why you were angry. You had every right to be. I cared enough about you as a neighbour to want to talk to you and settle things so that it won't be awkward when I meet you in the bathrooms.

I hope you realize that I have apologized to you several times. And I meant that -- I am truly sorry. I just wanted to talk to you about the way in which you scolded us last night. It just wasn't nice, I'm sure you can understand. Today, all I wanted was to tell you I'm sorry, and next time, you could tell me nicely. Is that too much? We were not talking loudly on purpose, I hope you know that. Sometimes, a bit hard to control our voices. I readily admit to that, and I apologize for both myself and my friend.

But I disagree with you completely on "act childishly is the better way of communication"--not when we are university students, not when we are young adults. It is unacceptable. You stealing + hiding my friend's slippers does not do anything but show me what kind of childish person you are. Do you know, when my friend asked, "Do you think your neighbour actually did this?" I told her, "No la. Cannot be. She wouldn't do this. She doesn't seem like that kind of person." I defended you, you know? I really can't believe you would do such a thing. Talk to me and we could have settled things. But doing petty and despicable things like that only made things worse.

I really hope you feel better, really I do. I will remember to pray for you. But I am disappointed and upset with what you've done. So I'm glad it's only till end of April.

Take care.

-K3G 403-

I've cooled down somewhat, as you can see. But I am still appalled at how childish some people can be. There's still anger though. It's so frustrating to try your best to be the mature one and fix things, but have a door slammed in your face. Literally.

I want to throw her slippers out. I want to deface her door. I want to blast music out from my laptop and disturb her sleep on purpose. I want to push her, slap her. I want to shake her, and yell at her. I want to tell everyone else on my floor what a  bitch  horrible person she's been. What a childish immature person she is.

But all that, would mean I would be as childish as she is.

Well, why don't I get to be childish? Why don't I get to have the satisfaction of throwing her slippers off the balcony?

I know I'm doing the right thing by refraining from doing all these things I fantasize about doing. But doing the right thing doesn't always come with full satisfaction, does it? I still feel horribly hurt, angry, furious, upset. I feel wronged for trying to do something right. I want to do something. I want to get back at her.

But I can't. And I know I shouldn't.

This is so hard. Sam tells me, "Just forget about it."

Well, it's not as simple as that. Not as long as I'm gonna have to walk past that damn door and those damn slippers, can I forget what she's done.

Till end of April. Keep it together, girl. Keep it together.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Immature Childish *toot*

Oh. My. God.

I am literally shaking with rage right now. I'm finding difficulty even typing this at the moment.

Oh, don't worry. I am gonna tell you why.

I am soooooo gonna tell you why.

WARNING: Long post ahead. But if you want to know what pissed me off to the point of shaking with rage, you gotta read on.


Last night, after having not seen her for a week, Chrissy came over to my room. I was pretty much done with assignments, just had a quiz to prepare for on Wednesday. But I was pretty laid-back at the moment. Haven't started studying for finals yet. So, sure, I told Chrissy, come on over. So she did.

It was a warm night, so I had my curtains drawn apart, the wind was coming in from the hole where a window pane once was. (Yeah, they haven't fixed it. It's been a year.) I was sitting at my desk with my laptop on, blog-hopping as usual, when I have some time. Chrissy was on my bed with her books (but they weren't at all open, mind you) and we were just talking. There was a lot to catch up on. She was telling me about her presentation just that morning, and I was telling her about the preparations for my presentation for the same course the following morning.

We were just talking and chatting, as we always do when she's in my room. We weren't talking anything particularly funny, so we weren't laughing (or in Chrissy's case, cackling) or anything.

We were just talking.

Then, there was pounding on the door.

Not a knock. POUNDING.


I was honestly surprised. Who could that be?

I opened the door. And there stood my neighbour (from Room 404) with this utterly disgusting black look on her face.

She actually stood there and gave me that "elephant backside" face for a few seconds before she opened her mouth to yell, "I can't stand you ! Can you go and discuss somewhere else?!" *complete with a sweeping hand gesture* "I'm your neighbour, you know." (I can't see the relevance of this in this context. What does that mean???? @.@)

And she walked off. I murmured a feeble Sorry after her retreating back, and was very shaken when I turned back to face Chrissy.

"Were we too noisy again?"



This was a couple of weeks back (I think). Chrissy was up in my room again and we were chatting. This time, there was a lot of laughing and, in Chrissy's case, cackling. I admit, we were rather loud. Noisy. And loud. Laughed too much. And too loudly.

There was a knock on the door.

I was afraid to open the door. I mean, who knows, it could be another junior asking for money for another t-shirt or something. But I opened the door anyway.

It was my neighbour (from Room 404).

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I just got back from the hospital and I'm trying to rest. Can you please keep it down?"

I apologized and closed the door. And we continued the rest of the conversation in whispers, and in softer tones.

Now, wasn't that nice, and civilized? No yelling, no petty I'll-get-back-at-you pranks? *foreshadowing*


At 1.30am, Chrissy finally decided to leave my room. We were saying our goodbyes and she unlocked my door.

She stared at the floor for a good 10 seconds.

"Su Li?"


"Where are my slippers?"

Yes, people. Her slippers were missing from my front door.

We looked up and down the corridor. We checked in the dustbin, in the big black plastic bag out in the common area where people hang their clothes to dry.


She stood outside my door, with both of us looking absolutely confused and bewildered. She even began to doubt herself--Did I come up to Lisa's room without slippers? Which is completely ridiculous ! Of course she did. Which leads us to one of two possibilities:

(a) Somebody reeeaaallllyyyy desperate stole her reallllllllyyyyy OLD Hush Puppies slippers.
(b) Somebody with a reason to hold a grudge took it.

I have to say, my first thought was option (b). Chrissy suggested it too. We both looked up above her room door beside mine, the lights turned off. Could it be?

But I tried to be fair. I said, "No la, maybe it's not her. She wouldn't do such a thing."

Or would she?

I loaned Chrissy my slipar jamban to wear to walk back to her room. A few minutes after she'd left, there was another knock on the door. What now?

It was Chrissy. "I found them."

"What? Where?"

She took me to the end of our corridor, at the top of the stairs leading to the other floors below. And there, her fuchsia pink slippers lay, at the opening of the little store room which had the electricity box, and where the cleaner sometimes stores the brooms and stuff.

They were lying there, innocently as if they had walked all the way there all by themselves.

But they didn't, did they?

Somebody had stolen them from outside my front door.

Somebody had taken them and hid them there.

Somebody, who had a grudge on us.


I had a class early this morning at 8.00 am, and my group was presenting our Assignment 3 for Comparative Literature. I woke up with this burning urge to pound on her door and demand if she was the one who did that despicable thing last night. But I couldn't afford to be late today. I told myself, I'll talk to her later, after I get back from classes.

Presentation went well. Then I had an appeal letter to rewrite and print. When I was done, it was 1.00 pm already. I walked back to college from my faculty. While walking back, I reflected on what had happened last night, and was preparing what I'd say to her when I confronted her.

True, Chrissy and I were in the wrong. Although I didn't think we were as loud as we were the first time when she reprimanded us, I still felt she had the right to ask us to keep it down. It was after all, a shared hostel. We all lived there, and we all have the right to some peace and quiet. I admit that. I was definitely going to apologize. I was truly sorry for that. I get annoyed when I hear people laughing really loudly from the next block too, what more next door.

But what I didn't agree with was the way she had yelled at us last night. That was just wrong. I understand getting all pissed off and mad, but you should've calmed down a little before yelling your head off at us. You gotta understand, we weren't doing it on purpose to annoy you or upset you. It wasn't intentional. So the least you could've done is have the politeness and courtesy to tell us nicely.

If you had done that, we wouldn't be in this mess. But you didn't. You yelled at us. Like, I'm sorry, but you don't have the right to yell at me. We're peers, of the same age. Have some respect for other people. Talking nicely wouldn't have cost you a thing. My parents don't even yell at me like that. So neither should you.

But then again, there is this nagging feeling that tells me she is the one responsible for the Mystery of the Missing Slippers. And I just couldn't keep quiet about it, if that were true.

So the plan was: First, apologize. (I admit when I'm wrong. It's part of being MATURE.) But gently advise her not to speak so rudely to others. That's all. Settle it. And maybe things won't be so awkward when I see her in the bathrooms. >.<


When I reached my room, I set my bag down, took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and knocked on the door next to mine.

She asked who it was. I said, "Your neighbour." She said she was tired and sick, and wanted to rest. But I also noticed that her keys were dangling outside her door. It wasn't a ruse to get her out. But her keys really were dangling from her keyhole. So I told her.

Shuffling feet.

"Oh, thank you. I'm really sick, and I want to sleep."

Just before she closed the door, I said, "Hold on, can I ask you something?"

"I'm really very sick right now. I have a peptic ulcer, I just came back from the hospital. I need to sleep."

But I was already too worked up to keep quiet about it any longer. I really needed to confront her, straight out. No, I had to. I had to know.

"Did you take my friend's slippers and hide them at the end of the corridor?"

"Yes, I did."

*cue gasp of disbelief and rage*

"Can I ask why you did that?"

"Cos you were too noisy !" 

(wth has that got to do with you stealing people's slippers and hiding them like a silly five-year-old????!!!)

I couldn't take it. I straight out told her that, frankly, that was pretty immature. I told her what I'd wanted to; that I was sorry about last night, that we were possibly a little too loud, but the way she had talked to us last night was rude. She said that she couldn't stand it cos she was sick and sleeping. I apologized again, said I was really sorry to hear that, but still, it doesn't give her the right to speak to us that way. I told her I've been neighbours with her for what, like 14 weeks now? And I've never given her problems for being too noisy. Only once in a while when a friend comes over. She said if we came in the daytime, it wouldn't be a problem, but it was at night, when she was sleeping. I said, again, I'm sorry (I suddenly realize that I've apologized several times by now, but she hadn't. Not even once. Not that I'm counting) but if she'd just talked to me, we could settle it. Not steal people's slippers and---


----and she slammed the door in my face.

Yes. She slammed the door in my face.

I tell you. I stared in disbelief, blinking at the door for a few seconds. I just seriously could not believe she had just slammed. The door. In. My. Face.

OMG, I tell you, I almost reached boiling point. What kind of a person slams the door in the face of a someone who was only trying to have a civilized discussion????!!!

I yelled back at the closed door, "IF YOU WANT TO BE CHILDISH, THAT'S FINE !"


"FINE !"

So I went back to my room and slammed the door too. What, she thinks she's the only one who can slam doors?

Okay, that was pretty childish too. But wouldn't you agree that prior to that, I had tried my best to deal with this as maturely as possible?

I was sincere when I apologized. I knew I was wrong. I understood. All I wanted was to settle it like civilized young adults with maturity that should at least match our years.

Unfortunately, the person I was dealing with is an immature, childish, stupid, unreasonable and rude *toot*. (Censored. Only because I'm mature and I don't call people names.)

I have this twisted desire to grab all her slippers outside her door (there are 2 pairs) and throw them over the balcony outside the block. Oh, and maybe rap loudly on her door every time I pass by while she's sleeping. And I am seriously considering putting up A4-sized flyers along the walls of our corridor that says:

Dearest Floor Mates,

BEWARE: If we make a little bit too much noise, our "dearest" friend from ROOM 404 might steal your slippers and hide them somewhere ! Keep an eye on your slippers !!!

Just a friendly warning about a fellow "friend".

Room 403

Something tells me that living here for the next few weeks is going to be pure JOY.

Monday, March 28, 2011

It's Hard to Let You Go

Today was the Choir's last practice for the academic session of 2010/2011.

Though it means free-er Sundays, it also means saying goodbye to Choir people I've known for 3 years now, who will be leaving UKM as they graduate and grow up from this place.

And that makes me sad. :(

My roomie is leaving this year ! T.T

It didn't even strike me until we were standing in a semi-circle around the piano, as per usual, singing songs we've learned in the past, which brought back sweet memories. And as I looked at all the faces around me, I realized, I may not see some of them anymore after this (or not as often as I'd like T.T).

We've had some really good times together. The love for singing was what brought us here in the first place. True, there were some stressful times that very nearly broke me. But through it all, I always had these people whom I could count on. 

Convo 38 (2010) in our hideous 
Barney costumes

MayMay and Chrissy are leaving me too T.T

These people who shared the joy of music and choir-singing. These people who have become like family. We've shared laughs. We've shared tears and frustrations. And we've grown closer because of it :D

Truly, friends are a treasure. And if God is willing, we'll stay friends for always :)

I will miss them.

Dearest LingLing

Qian darling





Many others too, whose photos I don't have in my computer right now. Shucks. :(

And of course, Eugene, who is leaving us for good now T.T (Gosh, why are all these people abandoning ussssssss~ *saddddddd*)

Beloved Choir Master who has been in the Artisukma Choir 
for the past FIFTEEN years. I know exactly how long 
cos he reminds us how OLD he is, constantly. :P

Every year, the last Choir practice is always an emotional one.

But this one is extra so. Only because all my peers and batch mates will be the ones graduating. And I can't shake off this horribly depressing feeling of being left behind. T.T

Anyhow, I wish all of you the best ! May you never lose this joy for singing and music, and may it remain a part of your life in the future, no matter what your profession, where you go, what you do. God bless~

I'll leave you with the lyrics of the song we sand tonight which made me all emo:

Words and music by

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cos in our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cos the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

My dearest friends, though it's hard to let you go, I know that a lifetime is never too long to live as friends. Love you all :D

Thursday, March 24, 2011

On a Rainy Day

The weather in Malaysia is absolutely crazy.

It might be scorching hot in the morning and afternoon, then rain buckets in the evening. Or it could just simply be sunny and warm, then drizzly in the afternoons. Either way, while the rain is cooling, and normally gives me an urge to cuddle under the covers in my bed and not go anywhere, it's annoying when you're still out of your room and figuring out how to get back without getting wet.

I'm not such a princess that I can't get wet from the rain. But come onnnnn. Jeans? No no no no no. Not when I'm wearing jeans. When they're wet, I feel icky. >.<

I'd rather not walk, but taking a bus when it's raining is most probably going to be a herculean effort of trying to squeeze yourself into an already full bus. Coupled with the fact that you'd be pressed up against others who are equally as damp and sticky as you are from the rain. Or they'd have umbrellas dripping rain water all over your pretty white sandals T.T

No, no buses. (Unless it's raining with thunder and lightning. >.<)

So I walk back. And be utterly annoyed at the fact that I reach my room with the bottoms of my jeans wet, and tiny little pebbles and dirt sticking to the back of them too. Yuck.

Then I'd have to HAND-WASH my jeans. *gasp*

For a little 'un like me, hand-washing my jeans are like lifting weights. They're freakin' HEAVY. =.=

Ah. I'm such a complainer, aren't I? So I'll stop now. :P

Oh, I forgot. The point for this whole post was that I wanted to share with you what I saw that day on a drizzly morning (Oh man, I did NOT want to wake up for class that morning !!! @.@) outside of the lecture hall in KTAMS.

All the colourful umbrellas !

Can you see the Apple umbrella? xD

I just thought they were pretty :)

And the overturned ones looked kinda comical.
haha :D

Anyhoo, I've been feeling a little down lately. The stress of pending assignments and presentations, and the sinking feeling that I don't have much time left before finals, and what with the gloomy rainy season and all these past few weeks--it's really getting to me >.<

So here's what I did:

Light blue with silver French.

It was only after I'd painted the silver that I realized it didn't really stand out that much. But oh well. It looks good still. :D

Yeah, this is kinda what I do. I paint my nails when I'm either (a) very very free (with time to kill) or (b) stressed out.

Oh, and when there's a function I'm attending. Or if I got a new nail colour I want to try out.


This particular time was cos I was stressed. Not cos I'd finished all my assignments. >.<

You wanna know what's my assignment about?
My final individual assignment topic for Sociolinguistics in Language Teaching:

The colonial presence of the British has had a great impact on the English language situation in Malaysia. Discuss the significance of this impact in relation to the current English language situation in Malaysia.

*huge yawn*

Can you blame me for not even starting my writing yet???? >.<

Monday, March 21, 2011


Please read the following in an appropriate solemn, grave and sombre mood.

Because I had a near-death experience earlier today, honest to God.

I was on my way downstairs for dinner with Nana, my ex-roomie and Chrissy. I was on the fourth floor and Nana's room was way down on the ground floor. I was late cos I overslept my nap-time. So I also had to rush through my shower and hurriedly scrub my clothes.

I changed into my comfy jammies, grabbed my room keys and phone, locked the door, walked briskly to the end of my corridor and..........

I slipped on a puddle.

A puddle that had collected from water leaking from the roof of my floor.

May I repeat that?


Every time it rains, the roof leaks. A few months ago, it was worse. Water would leak from the ceiling in my room and I'd come back to my room with all my books and notes drenched in disgusting rain+asbestos-powder water. Then I'd have to lay all my notes out on the floor, like a paper collage, to air-dry them.

But they'd always have a hideous water stain. >.<

Now, it's gotten better, only in the sense that it doesn't leak in my room anymore. But it sure as hell still leaks outside in the corridor.

Some days, after the rain, I'd wake up to puddles everywhere--beside my slippers, at the door of the room opposite mine, near the dustbin, at the entrance of the bathroom etc.

This was the first time I'd slipped on one.

And gosh, I can't tell you how fast my heart was beating after that. It was so scary.

In all sense of the phrase, I really had a near-death experience.

If I had really lost my balance and slipped and fell, I could have fallen down the stairs, split my head open, and then gained a pretty halo to go with my new wings.

Seriously, people. I could have died.

I'm not being dramatic. Isn't it the truth?

You can even see the leak stains from the rain water @.@
(top right corner)

Why does the college have this kind of ceiling? We're on the TOP FLOOR for goodness' sake. This isn't the kind of ceiling you should use for the top floor ! It leaks, like, all the time, every time it rains.

Just because we pay less in a public university, doesn't mean that you can spend less, save more and compromise our safety.

If I had died, I would sue you.

Well, not exactly me, seeing as I'm dead and can't actually legally sue you for damages, but you know what I mean. =.=