Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Immature Childish *toot* Part 2

Before moving on, you have to read this first. This post would be a continuation of that story.

It might take a while to read that post, but you have to, for this to make sense. I'm not gonna repeat what I'd already told >.<


Okay, let's move on.

After publishing the previous post about the Immature Childish *toot*, I was tired out. Mentally exhausted really, from going through all the emotions of anger, frustration, rage, disbelief, utter shock, annoyance and even feelings of revenge as I typed all of it out.

I decided to take a nap. And instead of a one-hour nap, it became a two-hour one. Which is just typical. Snoozing the alarm button is too easy >.<

Anyway, I collected my bathing stuff--my soap, towel, facial cleanser, shampoo and conditioner, and my detergent and brush to wash my clothes after.

I hate the fact that since her room is 404, I have to walk past her room every time I want to go to the bathrooms, or to the toilet, or even just to wash my hands. And when I walk past her room, I have to resist the urge to throw those damn slippers of hers out the balcony and even the score. (I know, I'm a horrible person. But I'm just being honest here. The feelings are still very raw.)

I took my shower, my mind still whirling around the events of this afternoon, and replaying the exact moment when she slammed the door shut in my face.

I got out of the bathroom stall with this fear, this real fear, that I would accidentally bump into her. I couldn't look at her face. If I did, I don't know what I would do. Would I throw her a dirty look? Would I completely ignore her? Would I make snide comments? Would I slap her? (I've pictured all of that in my mind before.)

I really don't know what I might do. And I don't want to do something really stupid that I would regret later.

So I hurriedly scrubbed my clothes for the day, hoping and hoping she wouldn't walk through the entrance door.

Then I got all pissed at her for making me even afraid to wash my own clothes in my own hostel. Like, why should I be afraid of her? Why did she make me feel this way?

As I passed by her room again to get back to my room, again, I resisted that same urge. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it?

When I opened the door to my room, it was with relief. I shut it, and started to hang my clothes up.

Then I noticed something on the floor.

A letter.

Written on a piece of graph paper. Addressed to K3G 403 (that's me).

I thought I'd share with you the letter she wrote me. Bear in mind, I am copying this directly from the letter, with her spelling and choice of words. However, the bold emphasis is mine. See what you make of it:

To whom it may concern,

Act childishly is a better way of communication, than be angry all the time and shouting at each other. And I prefer writing this notes to you than u see me shouting again. Actually, mambling, talk too much & too loud in front of my door result in door-slammed-on-face.

A-base-voice is a gift of god. Yet, u need consider me in this case. Usually i'm a tolarable person in normal condition. I tried talk to you before but massage not delivered since I'm really sick in this 1 month duration.

I think, you don't really care who your neighbour is, and its difficult to have a calm deliberate talk to you, besides hard to face each other even you are washing in TOILET. You kinda not care of your surrounding, yet I have somthing to let you know.

I had a series of melena of 14 straight days, meaning, bloody stool. It only stops on medication. While on stomach bleeding treatment, I had another 3 days of bloody diarhoea. I think you don't care too. I'm not warded on request

I am not warded on request. Im restless, eat on only fluid for 2 weeks, hungry, cannot eat, weak, only lying on bed. It took my whole effort to stand up, knocked on your door and talked. I wanted u really consider my condition, yet I can't talk much. I tried my best, drag the shoes just to alarmed u something. Some people somewhat never care, never want to know.

Else, your friend can bring me to the hospital when i'm in RED states, it will be much tolerable. My states change rapidly yellow to green to yellow to read red without reasons.

I'm finishing my MSc this semester, so hold it till end of April.

Did any of you respond with a Haaaaaaa???!! like I did? =.=

Some parts of it, I just don't understand.

The parts that I do, just made me upset all over again.

1. "Act childishly is a better way of communication" -- Wow. Like SERIOUSLY? That's your response to being called childish? That it's the better way of communication??? WTH are you talking about?

2. "result in door-slammed-on-face" -- Notice the matter-of-fact tone in which she mentioned the most recent childish thing she'd done? And notice how she said "result in", as in, she's implying that I totally deserved it. That I had it coming. Cos I talk "too much & too loud"??!!! We were having a discussion for goodness' sake !

3. "drag the shoes just to alarmed u something" -- This is the only time she mentioned about the despicable immature act she'd done of stealing Chrissy's slippers to get back at us. No apology. Not at all. In fact, not anywhere in the content of the letter. Her explanation? "to alarmed u something"? What on earth does that mean???!!

4. She mentioned several times about me not caring. Of me not caring to know. "Some people somewhat never care, never want to know." Em, am I your best friend? We're not even exactly friends (and after this, no way in h*** do I wanna be friends with you). Why would I suddenly ask you out of the blue if you had bloody stools? Or if you were suffering from diarrhea? Random crazy, much?

5. As you can see, she described in quite excruciating detail about her ailments and her problems. Sure, I feel sorry for you. I am. It sounds horrible. But I don't get the point of you telling me all this. Am I supposed to say, "Oh, you poor thing. Having bloody stools and diarrhea? Then it's okay. It's okay to yell at me and my friend. It's okay to steal my friend's slippers and hide them somewhere. It's perfectly understandable."


Everything you have just written to me in your letter in no freaking way excuses what you have done. 

It does not excuse the fact that you were rude to me and my friend. 

It does not excuse the fact that you stole my friend's slippers and hid them somewhere out of spite. 

It does not excuse you from slamming the door shut in my face.

And you know what is most appalling?

"I'm finishing my MSc this semester" -- She's a Masters of Science student? OMG. Is this the way a Masters student is supposed to act? "Act childishly is the better way of communication"??????

Un. Be. Lievable.

I spent a good half hour writing my response letter to her:

Dear K3G 404,

Since you prefer writing instead of talking, I shall write this reply to you.

I am sincerely sorry to hear of what you're going through. It sounds awful and I pray that you  will get better. I really mean that. However, the way you are telling me is as if I am supposed to know. Maybe you don't notice but most of the time I'm not even in my room. I am out either for classes or group discussions. I only ever see you at night, when I go to take a shower, and even then, very rarely. Am I supposed to know your stool is bloody? How am I supposed to know that? @.@

I am sorry if I come off as a very cold person, but I am usually like that with people I don't really know. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you I'm not like that. If you had told me about your condition, I would have sympathized with you.

If you want to talk about caring, then let me tell you that I spent the whole day today thinking about how to talk to you. You're my neighbour and I felt really bad about talking too loudly last night. I understand why you were angry. You had every right to be. I cared enough about you as a neighbour to want to talk to you and settle things so that it won't be awkward when I meet you in the bathrooms.

I hope you realize that I have apologized to you several times. And I meant that -- I am truly sorry. I just wanted to talk to you about the way in which you scolded us last night. It just wasn't nice, I'm sure you can understand. Today, all I wanted was to tell you I'm sorry, and next time, you could tell me nicely. Is that too much? We were not talking loudly on purpose, I hope you know that. Sometimes, a bit hard to control our voices. I readily admit to that, and I apologize for both myself and my friend.

But I disagree with you completely on "act childishly is the better way of communication"--not when we are university students, not when we are young adults. It is unacceptable. You stealing + hiding my friend's slippers does not do anything but show me what kind of childish person you are. Do you know, when my friend asked, "Do you think your neighbour actually did this?" I told her, "No la. Cannot be. She wouldn't do this. She doesn't seem like that kind of person." I defended you, you know? I really can't believe you would do such a thing. Talk to me and we could have settled things. But doing petty and despicable things like that only made things worse.

I really hope you feel better, really I do. I will remember to pray for you. But I am disappointed and upset with what you've done. So I'm glad it's only till end of April.

Take care.

-K3G 403-

I've cooled down somewhat, as you can see. But I am still appalled at how childish some people can be. There's still anger though. It's so frustrating to try your best to be the mature one and fix things, but have a door slammed in your face. Literally.

I want to throw her slippers out. I want to deface her door. I want to blast music out from my laptop and disturb her sleep on purpose. I want to push her, slap her. I want to shake her, and yell at her. I want to tell everyone else on my floor what a  bitch  horrible person she's been. What a childish immature person she is.

But all that, would mean I would be as childish as she is.

Well, why don't I get to be childish? Why don't I get to have the satisfaction of throwing her slippers off the balcony?

I know I'm doing the right thing by refraining from doing all these things I fantasize about doing. But doing the right thing doesn't always come with full satisfaction, does it? I still feel horribly hurt, angry, furious, upset. I feel wronged for trying to do something right. I want to do something. I want to get back at her.

But I can't. And I know I shouldn't.

This is so hard. Sam tells me, "Just forget about it."

Well, it's not as simple as that. Not as long as I'm gonna have to walk past that damn door and those damn slippers, can I forget what she's done.

Till end of April. Keep it together, girl. Keep it together.


J e n n Y said...

wow, can't believe she is a Msc but still act so childishly.
Haha, anyway few more weeks to go then you won't be seeing her anymore =)

The Bee said...

had problem posting my comment. typed an essaya already but disappeared. so reset my pw finally.

ok. read your latest encounter both parts and following your subsequent actions including what is going on in your mind and heart.
the rage and childish behaviour that can be invoked from the actions of another person - we are all capable of. and ya the things we want to do to retaliate too.

reminds me of what i went thro few months back with our neighbour prakash.... haha ... how true "it is easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers" ...infuriating is just an understatement at such times haha...

anyway li, i am glad you have written the letter to her in response. hard to write in a manner which exhibits much self control but well done.
still a lot of ranting in your heart about what she shld have done etc etc... ya maybe have to understand many pple have not learned healthy skills of communication even when they have mastered academic skills...

well, first and foremost i think you need to know and refer to her by her name and vice versa rather than neighbour K403 and K404.
secondly, from her letter can sense her aloneness and suffering this serious ailment. when in such condition, think easily provoked, irritated even by what we wld take as occasional sound intrusion - what more with the perception that nobody even you her neighbour cares!!!
ya you felt angry esp with the door slammed and the i cant stand you anymore statement. i am proud of you that you actually made the effort to apologize and took the initiative. You have done your part towards mending the rltnship made sour by those incidents. of course your honest feelings of wanting to "retaliate" with as childish acts many of us are also guilty of.

somehow i feel sad after reading and i believe the incident as God's way of revealing your neighbour has a need for a caring friend in you. An opportunity for God to use your warm personality (the part she hasnt seen?) to help and comfort her in this time of her need? what do you think? extend GRACE to her, love the unlovable? go the extra mile? offering the other cheek? the same principle Jesus taught

so dont worry about "holding it" till april and fearing to meet her in the bathroom etc... seize opportunities to show CARE- allow to lead you. HE WILL and you ll be surprised by Him!
May there be healing for you and for her in your rltnship from our great and gracious

siehjin said...

i super-like your mum's response above. =)

yeah well, i think you have carried yourself well, you've been even-tempered and mature towards her (outwardly anyway).

but you've got to go beyond that, even. so tough right. but that's the way it is... to paraphrase from 'a horse and his boy' (C.S. Lewis), the reward for doing a good deed is often the opportunity to do another, harder one.

maybe to ask you to comfort and befriend her is going too far too fast. step-by-step: the first step is to forgive her. to not hold it against her that she's childish, silly, and rude. to let go of the offense and hurt she's caused you.

forgive. it's tough, but we can fo it - because Jesus forgave us, first. =)


Liz ^^, said...

Thanks everyone.

I find that I am really struggling with this. I don't want to let it get to me, but easier said than done, right?

True, Ma. Befriending her would be the Christian thing to do. And I wish I could do it. But it's so difficult for me to do that right now. But I will try to forgive her. I have been praying that God will take the anger and hurt away. That, at least, I think I can achieve. But more than that? I doubt it. I will try to be civil towards her, if I meet her. But that's all I'm willing to do at the moment. I know eventually I will be able to let this go. But till then, I don't really want any more encounters with her. She referred to me as 403, I will refer to her as 404. I would not want a friend who is capable of doing such things without a single thought that she might be wrong, and without any inclination to apologize at all. No, I'll be better off without friends like these.

But I will try very hard to forgive. This, I will do. :)

Hannah said...

I think she must’ve been pretty desperate to communicate with you. If I knew my English was that bad, I wouldn’t have bothered. I wonder why though *tries to think criminalminds-like*

You mentioned that you couldn’t be friends with her. I thought I shared my moment (thank God it wasn’t that bad). I dun think I can call so-n-so a friend either, as I don’t agree with all her standards/actions, and I can no longer trust her. However, I try to be nice and polite and sociable. It really sucked at first; most of the time I was forcing myself to act the part. But as time goes by I find that the deep resentment (along with those fantasies of revenge) has dulled. Now when I think of it, I just sigh and quote The Last Battle “I’ve no great love for¬-__today”. Hopefully there will come a day where I will feel great love.

I dun think you can reli be friends WITH her, but you can be a fren TO her. Spot the difference? That’s wat i try to do. And when I say fren, I guess I mean not an enemy. I mean, it’s not like u’re going to invite her to yr room for a chat eh?

Gah! So zadao…me giving you advice…man this is reli embarrassing. *blushes* take care

Liz ^^, said...

>>Hannah, Why is it inconceivable for you to offer me advice? I welcome it :)
I think I see the difference between being friends WITH her and being a friend TO her. I get that. I will try. At this point, I am still in fear of seeing her. But hopefully as time goes by, things will get better :)

Hannah said...

totally know wat u mean abt the fear! LOL..everytime i talk to soon as it's over i want to lock myself in the bathroom and take deep breaths. All that fear mixed with anger and resentment and frustration at yourself, her, and everything in's a fascinating thing. Even now when i'm more sociable with her (even cracking jokes) i still feel like clunking my head on stg. I still am paranoid that she's talking abt me behind my fact i was sort of making her my "bad luck"...everything that went somehow leads back to her.

It's terrible how bad i can be eh? I had to shake myself out of it so many times. Usually i try to do stg constructive with my feelings, use it for characters in a story i'm writing, or a poem, or whatever. I try to be er...analytical abt it, so i'm not caught up in the emotion that much. Examine it, give it to God, then file it away for future reference. heh. Weeeeirddd....

it is becuz you are my senior that i feel odd..haha. but in a way i'm comforted to know that i'm not the only one that face situations like this. Hang in there.=)

Liz ^^, said...

I don't think we should be condemned for having these feelings ! We're only human. The only difference is, we try hard to handle it the way we think God wants us to, even though it's hard. And that's a step in the right direction already :D Thanks for the encouragement ! :)))))

cevugown said...

Very intereresting reading. thx