Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Didn't Really Want It Anyway

Disappointment is a tough pill to swallow, isn't it?

All of us have experienced disappointment, one way or another. So we all get what it feels like. How painful it is. How much it sucks.

The worst part is, we blame ourselves for getting disappointed in the first place. Why? Because we worked ourselves up, let hope creep in, possibly even let ourselves feel a little excitement at the thought of whatever it is that got you worked up.

And then you hate yourself, cos you think it's your fault. Who else's could it be that you had such high expectations about the matter? You expected too much, you hoped too much, and so you have no one to blame but yourself.

This isn't the first time you've experienced disappointment. So you should know better than to let yourself hope.

Hope in uncertainty is, frankly, stupid.

Yes, you thought it was already for certain, but nothing is written in stone. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yes, sometimes, it's the little things that made you believe things were for real. The words that were exchanged, the manner in which someone spoke. Fooled you into believing this was really going to happen.

Five years ago: Yes, Lisa. We are very impressed and pleased with you.

Three years ago: Lisa, you are certainly a very interesting and unique person. I look forward to getting to know you. I'm sure you will make a good teacher some day.

Last week: Yes, I know you may lack the teaching experience, but I have seen your microteaching--I really believe you can do it.

And then it doesn't happen like you thought it would.

And you get sorely disappointed.

Whose fault is that?

Then the self-defense mechanism kicks in. Maybe we all have it in-built within us. To lessen the pain, reduce the hurt. We brush it off with a cold hand and a stoic face. It doesn't mean anything to me, you tell yourself. It's nothing.

Five years ago: I guess it's a good thing. I am not obligated to anyone, or bonded to them. I am free to do what I want, go where I want to go in the future. This is still good. I didn't really want it anyway.

Three years ago: Of course she won't remember me. She is so busy and has so many other students under her care. It doesn't mean that I'm insignificant. It doesn't mean I'm not worth it. So who cares if I don't have a mentor? I didn't really want it anyway.

Last week: Well, at least I get to keep the rest of my holidays. I won't have to die working. I get to spend more time with my boyfriend after he gets back. Yeah, it would have been a great experience, but it's okay. I didn't really want it anyway.

I didn't really want it anyway.

I didn't.

Not really.



iwan said...

wat happen?

SandraC said...

i dont really understand what u missed out on? kindly explain thru fb?

DaN said...

I hope you are not hurting too much.
It is only natural we feel this way, especially when we are denied the very things that we want to do.

I am so sorry for you Liz, however, this ear be open for your thoughts and rantings eh?