Haywire: A Disappointment

I only have one word to describe this movie:


SUCKY. (Yes, in caps.)


Seriously?


Yes, seriously. SUCKY. Save your money and DO NOT WATCH.




Since today was a public holiday, one of those precious days when my dad doesn't have to go to school, he must have been in a good mood. Said he wanted to take the whole family to go watch a movie, and he was interested in Haywire. Said he'd read a good review of it in the newspaper.


My brother and I, though, were skeptical. The newspaper had also given 50/50 a good review and we'd both agreed, after watching said movie, that newspaper reviews were not to be trusted. We just don't have the same movie tastes.


However, since dad was treating, and it was his day off, I thought, Fine, let's watch what he wants to watch, and checked out the showtimes with a weird feeling in my gut.


And my gut was right. >.<

The story line didn't even seem that promising. An ex-Special Forces Operative that got screwed over by her own and is now seeking revenge? Hm, how very original! Never seen that one before! =.= (Don't even feel like elaborating on the story line here >.<)

"Don't think of me as as a "woman". I can kick your a**!"

I guess the only interesting pre-movie fact is that the star, Gina Carano, who plays Mallory Kane, is a real-life professional MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter. So you know she's got the brawns. There is no denying that she can throw real punches and wrestle a full-grown man to the ground. I bet she didn't need any stunt doubles! And to her favour, she ain't that bad looking either. 

Playing it "rough"

I mean, after she literally fights to the death with an undercover British Intelligence agent posing as her hubby who had been given orders to "divorce" her, she just looked like she had a particularly rougher rough-and-tumble in bed, if you know what I mean. ;) I am always in awe of women who can kick a** in heels and tights. I don't know about you, but when I know of women who work out and stuff, I tend to imagine things like, how toned their bodies must be, how firm, how supple... In a most, um, UN-lesbian-ish manner possible, I assure you. You just get curious, you know? We all do that, don't you?


*clears throat* Anyway.

I had not bothered to find out who else were in the movie besides Channing Tatum. Of course, a hottie like that, you'd know. But as the movie progressed and I recognized more and more actors--Michael Fessbender (Magneto in X-Men: Original), Ewan McGregor (such a cutie pie!), Antonio Banderas (always love his sexy voice and accent!) and Michael Douglas--I thought to myself, Hey, maybe this movie won't be too bad! I mean, these are A-list actors man. This should be something.


But half an hour into the movie (I actually took out my phone to check), I was still clueless as to what was happening. And because you don't really know what's going on, it's quite difficult to feel any urgency as the story unfolds. Compare a movie where you know the star needs to, say, save the damsel because otherwise the world is going to end. So as you watch the movie, you root for the star because, well, you don't want the world to end. You know how important it is. That element was missing in Haywire.


I kept thinking, Okay, let's just see what happens next. Maybe I'll understand more. And scene after scene plays out, and you kinda figure out what's happening on your own... But the urgency just isn't there. Personal revenge just doesn't do it for me, not for this movie.

In stealth-mode for a self-executed operation that...failed.

Some of it didn't even make sense to me. In the earlier part of the movie, four of them, Mallory included, were given an assignment to extract a man from an apartment where he was guarded in Barcelona, and hand him safely over to the client. In scenes of their planning, one of the operatives had voiced doubts over their manpower. "We don't have enough men!" he said. Then, when the operation was carried out, they had one guy wait in the getaway car, one wait at the main door to the building as a lookout, and the remaining two ran in to get the man while the one who was guarding him was out to get coffee.


He went to get coffee.


That suggests that you didn't want the guard to know who took him. But the guard came back, shots were fired, but by then, the guy they wanted was already in the back seat. Mission accomplished. They could've just started the car up, zoomed off. Case done.

Okay, that does not look very attractive.

But, no. Mallory gave chase and caught up with the guard (long screen-time showing Mallory running and the guy running, then Mallory running, and then the guy running... you get it.) and then what does she do when she catches up to him? *anxious with anticipation* She beats him up. Then leaves him there. =.=

Why the hell would you do that? What does that achieve? When a colleague asked Mallory after the assignment why she gave chase when the mission was accomplished even without it, she says, "I don't like loose ends." WHAT loose ends??


If you didn't want the guy blabbing and telling who took their hostage-guy, then you should've killed him. Beating him up wouldn't have kept his mouth shut. And if you didn't mind him knowing who you guys were that took the hostage-guy in the first place, then why go through all the trouble to sneak-attack when the guy was out for coffee? There are four of you, for goodness' sake. Why wouldn't there be enough men to beat this single guy guarding him, and then grab the man and go?


Doesn't make sense, does it? Thought so too.


AND it had the stupidest ending. Antonio Banderas cursing "Shit!"


WHUTTTTTTT???????


It was such a relief when it ended. >.<




At the end of the day, the movie had a pretty dead plot, and pretty dead...everything, really. There was no real excitement, no real urgency. Just no connection whatsoever to the story, nor any of the characters, not even Mallory.

(Yes, I'm the Sky High guy)

I think I only felt the tiniest bit of connection to the poor 19-year-old boy she carjacked when she rammed the back of his one-week-old car into a deer (yes, she killed it--ANIMAL CRUELTY!! >.<) and crashed it (the car, not the deer) into a tree. The poor boy. :(