Wednesday, February 1, 2012

To Make You Smile

It's been a while. (Understatement of the year!)

I've had so many drafts saved, stories of this and that, things that have happened these past few months.

But what finally drove me to write here, right now, is this horrible feeling of helplessness.

Ever felt that way before?

If bad things, painful things happen to people we don't really know, we get sad for a moment, share the link on Facebook, and move on.

If bad things, painful things happen to people we don't really like, or hate, whether we admit it or not, whether we do it publicly or not--we rejoice! HAH! Padan muka you b*tch! Totally deserved it!

But what if bad things, painful things, happen to the people you love? A boyfriend/girlfriend, a sibling, a parent, a good friend.

And what if those bad things, painful things that happened to the people you love, are beyond your control?

There is nothing you can do to make things better. There is nothing you can really say to make them feel better.

I hate that feeling. I wish so badly that I can do something. I keep asking, "Are you okay?" until even I sound so damn annoying to myself. And their reassurances of their okay-ness do not really convince you. How can they really be okay when, if it were you in their shoes, you'd be bawling your eyes out? Be absolutely devastated, lost, and afraid.

I want to be there for them, be the listening ear, the bearing shoulder for the burdens. Yet, I don't want to remind them of the pain they are facing each time we meet either. I am torn between wanting to talk it out with them, and not wanting to see the sadness and pain in their eyes.

It's so much harder when they don't really want to talk about it. They'd rather act like nothing's changed, when in actual fact, their entire known reality has. I've always been a talk-it-out-it's-good-for-you kind of person. So it's extremely hard for me when they'd rather have me just be the one who accompanies them in a series of activities to drown out having the problem in the first place.

To me, it's just denial. It's sweeping a ticking bomb under the carpet. That's just not how I deal with things.

Then I remember, it's not me who has to deal with it, but them. I should respect how they choose to deal with it, shouldn't I?

It is so difficult to do just that, that I wish I can scream and cry and break down too. I imagine what they must be feeling and I wish I could take all that pain away, make them truly happy again. Not the, "Yeah, I'm fine," kind of okay, but a genuine, sincere, "I'm going to be okay."

It hurts me to see them hurt. Yet, what can I do? I'm terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, and then losing their trust because of it. They may never tell me anything, anymore, and my hope of really being there for them will be well and truly gone.

My heart aches just as much as theirs, I'm sure. Oh, what can I do? What can I say to help you? I can only do as you ask me. Not talk about it, if you don't want to. Hug you when you need it. Sit in silence if you want to. And hope that that's enough to show you that I care, and that I will be with you through every step of this painful period of your life.

Let me help you. Please. Give me the chance to be everything to you. To make you smile once more.  Because I cannot stand the thought of just standing by and doing nothing. 


Mr Lonely said...

i think try implement a positive though will become better~ =)

SandraC said...

gosh whats happening. if its beyond sharing then i can only help u pray for it. many times we feel helpless when things are beyond our control but our Lord is IN CONTROL of everything. whatever sadness u and ur beloved one/s are going thru i hope there will be a solution or cure for that pain.