Sunday, February 19, 2012

'Ol Lonely

A lot of the time, I feel out of place.

I used to struggle with that feeling, several months back. And I tell you, I really struggled. I fought bouts of depression, felt emotional all the time. I'd hardly join in in conversations, only occasionally laughing at the jokes that I was supposed to laugh at, then going back to my silent room to cry silently.

The hardest part was pretending that everything was alright, putting on a fake smile every day. The only person I let see how I really felt was my bf. And he had a tough time figuring out how to deal with an overly-sensitive, emotional, blubbering puddle of tears who seemed like she had PMS 24/7.

Loneliness, it turns out, is a pain in the butt.

It was really hard holding it out in uni. It was especially hard when this horribly depressing feeling was there when you were with the people closest to you. It was hard to express because, how do you explain to those people you care about, and who care about you, that they are part of the reason you feel that way?

It would hurt them, or, even if it didn't, things will change forever. They will go out of their way to accommodate your feelings, tiptoe around you like you are fragile glass, be extra "careful". Which was not what I wanted. Who would want that?

So there was no one to turn to, which ensured that I was stuck with my "best friend", Loneliness. (Reminds me of that old song: Loneliness is never waiting by the door / It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored)

The one tiny consolation I had was that I had another small group of close friends back home in which I did not feel that way. I could always count on them to cheer me up. We had ten years' worth of friendship locked on our belts; we could get through anything. But we seldom had time to meet, everyone having their own commitments.

I finally let slip about how I felt to my friends in uni. They bugged me until the whole story came out. I didn't really want to tell because I knew of the consequences. But it was my own fault for mentioning it, even only in passing; my mistake.

It was awkward for a while, and I shied away from their conscious well-intended efforts to make me feel better. But time is truly a wonderful thing. Eventually, things went back to normal, and I started feeling a little more normal. No one was happier than my bf now that I was back to my old non-24/7-PMS self.

But now, I feel my old friend sitting right beside me once more, just like he used to. Telling me, "Things have changed. Nobody cares about you anymore. You're not as important as you think you are. You're not as well-liked, loved, or popular as you thought you were."

I am ashamed to have to say this, but I need to be honest with myself.
I like being the center of attention. I like being the one who tells all the funny stories, who makes the best jokes. I want to feel important. I want.
'Ol Lonely is right about one thing: Things have changed. As time goes by, it seems like I have less and less things in common with everyone else. That never used to be a problem. They'd talk about their new jobs, I'd talk about school.

But now, that's the problem. They talk about things I don't know about: projects and marketing strategies, and their travels to India, Cambodia. For a country bumpkin like me who has never left the country, whose biggest struggle at the time is meeting assignment deadlines, it is truly a foreign world.

Sure, I have no issue with listening attentively to find out what's new with them. But I wish I could contribute more, say something more meaningful than "I see," and nodding. Sometimes, it feels like all I say is "I see." There's no opportunity to say anything else. Or the night is just not enough to say everything we want to.

I hate this feeling. And I hate that I feel like this when this is such a petty issue to begin with. What is wrong with me?

I'd hate to be one of those people whose boyfriends are everything to them, but they have no friends. I swore I'd never be like that.

But if I let myself continue to feel this way in the company of my friends, maybe pretty soon I'll have none left. Or, none that I am close to.

Or, maybe, 
I'm in exactly one of those emotional, PMS moments brought about by the fact(s) that I will be going back to uni soon while my bf goes off to Johor and that I am most probably jealous that all my friends are already working and travelling everywhere which is something I wish I can do and that I will be starting my practical in school soon and I am absolutely terrified, unprepared and not confident about it, 

and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. *sigh*

Forgive my emo moments. T.T


Most Desirable said...

Do not worry about what you think is right. I have the right to feel how i like, sometimes i feel lonely, other times i am suicidal. I don't give a damn to who i want to impress. To my successful friends, I say good luck to them. To all losers like myself, i also say good luck to them. Be yourself and don't let no one influence you. When i was in uni, i just couldn't cope. I didn't know what the rest are doing. I was always alone by myself. I didn't even know what i was studying. I flunk all the papers. The uni wanted me to repeat another year. I said good luck to them. I challenged them and said without a degree i will still outbeat most of my successful friends. I was damn lonely all the years at uni. I remembered looking at the stars at night wondering if there was another soul as lonesome as me out there in the heavens. Pls do read my what goes around comes back around, thks:)

Tony Teh said...

Ah, the typical problems of yesterday for me. Years later you won't even look back to laugh at how petty these troubles were for you.

danielchowtzeyoong said...


Nath said...

you are not alone *hugs*

Liz said...

Thanks, all. I guess it was just temporary insanity, or just a minor case of the blues. I bounce back all the time :D